Daily Show: News

John Bolton
(John Bolton) said this about the United Nations back in 1994, “there is no such thing as the United Nations…the secretary’s building in New York has 38 stories if you lost ten stories today it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.”

Jon Stewart continues, “So we can only assume that if he does become the ambassador his office will be on the 28th floor or below.”

You can view the actual footage of Bolton’s quote along with more commentary at the Daily Show website, under video clip titled, “Headlines: Diplomatic Impunity.”

Tutankhamen
(3.14.05) The legendary Tutankhamen. At the time of his death, the Egyptian boy king was a powerful, popular, and healthy if short 19-year-old, kind of the Frankie Muniz of his day. Yet for centuries, the exact cause of his death was unknown. Now, a team of Egyptian scientists hopes to finally let King Tut rest in peace, by dragging his old bones out of his tomb one more time.

According to a study being carried out by a team from Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, following an appeal from Egypt's Ninth Circuit Court of Antiquities, CAT scans performed on King Tut's mummy may finally reveal once and for all the manner of the ancient ruler's death. This answer should help bring closure to the remains of King Tut's grieving family.

Earlier x-rays taken in 1968 had found bone fragments inside Tut's skull, suggesting that he might have been murdered by being hit in the head, a hypothesis that team leader Dr. Zahi Hawass denies, saying, "Number one, they found no evidence for a blow to the back of the head, because that is the area many people said he was murdered because of this. This is not true. The second important thing, there is no indication of foul play at all." If this is true and there was no foul play, then it's possible scientists have made the story of this three thousand-year-old dead person even more boring than originally thought.

Da Vinci Code

(3.14.05) The best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code," by Dan Brown, is spreading what the church calls lies about the life of Jesus, while at the same time painting an unflattering picture of the church itself. Specifically, the book posits the following: that Jesus was not the Son of God but a mortal. He married and had a child with Mary Magdalene, the descendants of whom now live in hiding in fear of being murdered by the Catholic Church. It's not surprising they might take issue with that.

"The Da Vinci Code" is also under fire for its portrayal of a Catholic order known as Opus Dei. Member John Wauck spoke out against the book on ABC News, saying, "You could learn more about theology and history by watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail.'" Wauck also pointed out that repeated viewings of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is almost as good for your sex life as a vow of celibacy.

The books popularity shows no sign of slowing. It's been on the charts for nearly two years, due largely to sales to every single person on your flight.

Pope

As you undoubtedly have heard, Pope John Paul II has died. And if you were, say, an Episcopalian and wanted to see news that was relevant to you this weekend, well, now you know what it's like to be a Jew on Christmas.

All major news outlets have been covering the sad news, with big softie Chris Matthews also chiming in. In particular, Matthews spoke of the pope's Parkinson's Disease, saying, "His personal characteristics toward the end did in fact mime those of Michael J. Fox." If there's one tribute anyone can pay, maybe it's to say that Michael J. Fox's symptoms mimed the pope's.

A meeting of top cardinals known as a conclave will be in charge of picking the next pontiff. Because it's a lifetime position, the choice is very carefully strategized. For instance, do you choose an older pope who'd have a shorter papacy and be less inclined to make radical changes, or a younger pope who might have a broader interpretation of doctrine and would want to pimp the Popemobile?

Speculation has centered on a few leading contenders, among them Francis Arinze of Nigeria, Diogini Tettamanzi of Italy, Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, and Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras. Hispanic Catholics are said to be so keen on Maradiaga that they chant "John Paul III!" at his public appearances, though let's be honest, he'd be crazy to choose that as his name since everyone knows that only the even-numbered John Pauls are any good.

Social Security Trouble

(4.5.05) Bush has had to admit that his plan's centerpiece -- personal accounts, or "privatized" if you're nasty -- wouldn't actually address Social Security's putative fiscal crisis.

At a February 4 Town Hall meeting, the president said, "The private retirement accounts alone don't fix Social Security... it helps mitigate the other changes in the system that will be necessary to eradicate that red ink." See, the president knows that it'll take other changes to fix the fiscal problem. And as soon as someone else brainstorms them, he'll use them to justify his plan!